Steve Pitas

Friday, December 19, 2003 - 10:25 p.m.

I want to tell you, but you won't listen and I've forgotton how to take risks even though I think I have no feelings anymore.

Friday, December 19, 2003 - 10:10 p.m.

I should give up drinking and then I wouldn't feel like killing other people or myself, it's at times like these that I just wish things would end. I mean what's the point if you are completely incapable of communicating with other people? For the second half of tonight I was sat beside cute Jenny but was I able to do anything? Exactly. I should have learned by now to just fucking give in with people, especially after America and the tit I made of msyelf over there, but no. I go out thinking that just maybe I'll get on with people and have a good time with people.

So yet again I come home feeling like shit, an occurence that is happening more and more often even if I don't admit it and lie to everyone that in fact I am having fun and that I did have a good night out. It has come so easy to lie and pretend that I don't even have to try anymore, I just say I had fun and people believe it as that is what they want to hear.

But life goes on, and xmas and new year approach with possible plans but no definites apart from the fact I will be dissapointed on more than one occasion. If only I could remember the time life was fun?

Monday, December 15, 2003 - 08:07 p.m.

No-one has anything to say about my Top 10 music list? Shit I knew I was fuckin' cool and had the best taste in music but I still expected some kind of reaction, you lot need to learn how to talk or is it just no-one reads anymore? Maybe I should move back to d-land and get some friends?

Nothing to report really, work the same, weekend the same, life the same.

Friday, December 12, 2003 - 07:19 p.m.

Top 10 Albums 2003

In a year that brought us albums from Radiohead, Blur, White Stripes and Strokes it should have been really easy putting this list together, but it wasn't. In fact none of those four even make it onto the list, although Radiohead nearly did it with the gig of the year, but in the end the album just doesn't have enough great tracks to keep it going. Bare in mind that I don't yet have the albums by people such as Rufus Wainright, Death Cab for Cutie, and the Eels so this list could have been even stronger. It will be interesting to hear your responses.

1. Aerogramme -Sleep and Release
Surprise of the year this one, wasn't even going to buy it but it was sent to me and since then hasn't really left my stereo. Heartbreak is buried into the music so deep that you just want to keep delving and searching, truly powerful music with a voice that rips all around it to shreds.

2. Mars Volta -De-Loused in the Comatorium
Is it prog? Who cares, this is excellent music which has been able to expand upon anything ATDI would have gone for.

3. Muse - Absolution
They're back with possibly the best album of their careers so far. Matt's voice seems stronger than ever, and the experiments with sound grow and grow, leading to a loud and emotional album.

4. Future Ex-Wife - Miss September
Only a mini-album but comes in from the left field at the last minute. Rock for those that like a bit of originality mixed in with the loudness.

5. Mogwai -Happy Songs for Happy People
A natural progression from Rock Action but still full of surprises. Their most emotional album to date.

6. Dizzee Rascal - Boy in da Corner
Proves that Garage isn't just for those who live on the streets of South London with an album full of originality, great lyrics and an unmistakable voice.

7. Pretty Girls Make Graves - The New Romance
Shouty girl lyrics, what more needs to be said?

8. Grandaddy -Sumday
Grandaddy somehow keep improving and with this they have made an album which mixes melancholy and joy at the same time.

9. The Kills - Keep on Your Mean Side
Yes it's been done before, but they still make me want to have dirty sex in some dodgy club.

10. Kristin Hersh -The Grotto
The goddess of music returns with an album which is as raw as you would expect, and full of as much emotion as you would expect.

Some of the bands who were bubbling under include Hell is for Heroes, Spiritualized, Scout Niblett and Evan Dando so don't let anyone tell you it was a poor year for music.

Friday, December 12, 2003 - 07:15 p.m.

Top 5 Movies 2003

It seems kinda strange announcing this before LOTR:ROTK comes out, but everything else will probably shrink into insignificance so it seems safer to print this now why I remember that other movies actually still exist.

1. City of God
Hard, brutal, sharp, moving, amazing. Everything about this movie says class, from the acting, through the script, and onto the camera work and production.

2. Lilya 4 Ever
Bleak, very bleak. In fact I am struggling to remember anything funny from this movie at all, but it touches the heart and stays in your mind. Another great movie from the director who brought us “Show Me Love” and “Together”.

3. Cypher
Could easily have fallen into sci-fi hell but stayed above the line with a brilliant script, multiple homage’s, and a twist I didn’t work out. The best Philip J Dick story that he never wrote.

4. Rabbit Proof Fence (aka Bullet Proof Rabbits)
Another hard-hitting story that looked at the terrible atrocities placed on the Aborigines with a programme that ran until the 1970’s. Again it was real people acting for the first time and the innocence they bring to the screen is immense. Shows you how messed up the world really is.

5. Dirty Pretty Things
Ok there might be a theme here with another bleak story, this time looking at how immigrants and asylum seekers cope in this country with the oppressive schemes brought in by our government. Audrey Tatou expertly shows she can do more than just kooky.

Friday, December 12, 2003 - 12:32 a.m.

Day 8 Christmas cards

Not only are these ugly little things, but you end up sending them to people you haven’t been in contact with for the last 12 months (since the last Xmas card you sent them basically), so you include a lovely little message about how great your life has been the last year (lie) and that you will have to catch up properly sometime in the New Year (lie). All this to try and pretend that you have more friends than you really do.

Day 9 Pantomime

Stupid ‘Z’ list celebrities telling crap jokes to stupid kids, whilst ‘acting’ in what can only be described as some of the worst plays ever written.

Day 10 TV

This one I wasn’t sure on whether to include or not as you can often get some really good movies on late at night that you normally don’t get a chance to see, but then I remembered all the crappy repeats you get, and the Xmas specials of terrible shows that have bad enough scripts throughout the year, now they have to sell an even worse one to us wrapped in nice shiny advertisements. And lets not forget the Movie Premiere they show every Boxing Day which turns out to be some pitiful family film that everyone saw nearly two years ago at the cinema…pah!

Day 11 Queens Speech

Do I need to actually slag off the monarchy whilst writing about this one or just mention how boring and pointless this speech is?

Thursday, December 11, 2003 - 11:01 p.m.

Wilbur is an excellent little movie, subtily mixing a very bleak and depressing storyline with laugh out loud wit. Go see.

Wednesday, December 10, 2003 - 10:26 p.m.

I wrote an entry earlier at work but for some reason it hasn't emailed to my home account, it wasn't very exciting anyway so I suppose I have saved you all from complete boredom.

This afternoon was the work meal so I am suitably fuelled with alcohol and should probably not be writing this, but who gives a fuck about what I should and should be doing right? The meal itself was quite uneventful, with just the usual banter and chat so at least it wasn't hell on earth. The pub afterwards was a little better, but I really don't understand why people went back to work after the meal or just went home I mean it's fuckin' Xmas man. I hate this fuckin' time of year but at least I make an effort to go out with people and have a bit of a laugh. Wankers.

Been invited to a party on Saturday night which I am umming and ahhing about as I will only know one person and she'll be chatting up some guy she likes, now I know this means I get the chance to meet new people blah, blah, blah. But I fuckin' suck at socialising. If I was interesting I wouldn't be sat here at a computer typing in words no-one reads or gives a fuck about. Just ask her how boring I was, in fact just ask anyone I've met. Boring old Steve, been the same since school and it ain't gonna change one bit now. Just leave poor little steve in the corner so no-one notices him and he doesn't scare the natives.

This entry couldn't make less sense could it, but lets rant on anyway as I ain't ranted for a while. You know why I hate phones? Cause the cost a fortune to phone, you can't say the words you want to say, and you can't tell what the other persons reaction to your words are anyway and then yuo just get off the phone having no idea if you've made a tit of yourself or not.

I hate pretending I have some semblence of a life, or some network of friends when all I have is jack shit.

Tuesday, December 9, 2003 - 04:54 p.m.

Considering all the important things that need discussing in the world, I'm currently having to listen to two people talking about bleedin' Pop Idol. Can I go back to bed and start the day again? I actually managed to get some sleep though so feel a little more refreshed.

A very invigerating political meeting last night which discussed the problems facing the Left in this day and age, and looked at ways of uniting together in a coalition which could actually put candidates forward for the London elections next year, along with maybe the Euro Parliament too. Obviously the main focus was on Ken Loach, but there was a good variety of young and old, and of opinions too so hopefully this idea moves forward and doesn't get stuck in the usual bickering that happens between the different factions of the left.

Currently trying to hack down my list of albums from this year into some sort of top 10, I think I've got nine of them chosen and now just need to get a final one from around five. Then comes the even easier task of putting them in order. I've been quite slack this year and only bought around 35 'new' albums (minus compilations and oldies), compared to Evil Stu's 71. Grrr argh!

Now I've been challenged to come up with a top 5 of movies from another work mate, I can't even remember seeing that many that were much cop? In fact now I've searched online every film I thought came out this year actually came out last year which is making it even more impossible.

Monday, December 8, 2003 - 10:32 p.m.

I just spoke to Ken Loach.

Monday, December 8, 2003 - 06:00 p.m.

If i DO noT gET sOme SLEEp SooN I wiLL Go mAD and kiLL peOPle aNd PoSSiblY STarT tAlkiNg tO mYSElF iN PuBLic aND wRitINg StrANgeLy ANd WiSHing to KilL rUGby fAns aNd KIck pEOpleS CrutChes wHen IN mY waY.

Stamps or OJ. Xmas cards or health. Stamps or OJ. Xmas cards or health. Stamps or OJ. Xmas cards or health. Stamps or OJ. Xmas cards or health. Stamps or OJ. Xmas cards or health. Stamps or OJ. Xmas cards or health. Stamps or OJ. Xmas cards or health. Stamps or OJ. Xmas cards or health. Stamps or OJ. Xmas cards or health??? Don't you love it when you're skint!

Is it wrong to wish a bomb to go off in central London just now?

I just waved someone good bye with my banana.

Sunday, December 7, 2003 - 03:46 p.m.

Yep Sis, nothing but a Scrouge is what I am. And Tokely for player of the month at this rate :o)

Day 7 Decorations

Besides my dress sense is there anything more garish than Xmas decorations? All the shininess, the glitter, the cheap paper, the stupid flashing lights, the large Santa’s and reindeer in the garden, the Xmas tree, and those stupid decorations the kids made in primary school that parents hold onto for ‘sentimental’ reasons, not realising how hideous they really are.

Saturday, December 6, 2003 - 09:38 p.m.

Not been online with my laptop so this is why you get three advent days in a row, it's like when you're ill and suddenly have to catch up with lots of choccie.

Day 4 Money

We struggle through the year on whatever little pay we receive, getting by week by week by the skin of our teeth and then when Xmas comes along we are expected to be able to spend, spend, spend. But where exactly is this money meant to come from for food, presents, travel and booze? So we get ourselves into more debt and more worry, and this is meant to be a season of fun?

Day 5 Food

Gluttony is one of the seven sins yet when it comes to Xmas we eat, eat and then eat a little bit more. Slowly piling on the pounds and blocking the arteries, and celebrating the fact. We pretend that we will work it off in the New Year but is that ever the case? And can no-one remember Band Aid and all those starving people?

Day 6 Presents

This is for here for two reasons:

a. You never know what to get people so you either end up asking them/reading their wish list, or you buy them something you think they’ll like but in fact don’t.

b. Someone buys you a present and it sucks, but you’ve got to grin and pretend that it is the greatest thing anyone has ever gotten you.

Saturday, December 6, 2003 - 09:22 p.m.

Finally some sleep, what's the bet I can't get to sleep tonight now eh? It's good to have a weekend in though where I can just chill and let my liver recover a little.

Last night was good, the first mini-xmas celebration of the year with me old muckers in the mobility department. We drank, ate and drank some more and I managed to hardly spend anything (although I think I now owe everyone I know a drink). The restaurant was especially lovely, with garlic mushrooms, calf liver, and prefiterols (sp?) going down nicely with some red wine (again! you would have thought I actually like this stuff). Another one next week and we'll see if it lives up to the high standards already set.

Not much else to report really as the week has been kinda quiet with me struggling to stay awake at work as I entertained friends (hope you got the promotion Evil Stu), watched movies (North by Northwest - hammy acting, terrible ending but ok) with Ginger Jenny (she makes no sense to me at all), and bought xmas cards for the few people I can be bothered sending them too this year.

So now I just sit in on a saturday evening by myself and try and work out why all the records of the year on itv just now are crap, and why my first load of digital photo's with my new camera are all blurry?

Thursday, December 4, 2003 - 12:05 a.m.

Day 3

3. Family

There’s a reason you move away from home you know.

Tuesday, December 2, 2003 - 09:27 p.m.

Day 2

Pretty obvious this one I would have thought. Considering we live in an age that is so multi-cultural why do we still have our major holidays around Christian festivals? In fact now we are in the 21st Century how come we are still thinking religion is of any importance to our lives whatsoever? Basically we are celebrating the birth of some mythic person, that performed some mythic deeds, and basically didn’t fucking exist, how mad is that?

I could go on about the evilness of religion in general and how it is used to control people, hurt people, and manipulate the vulnerable but I think that should be enough damage for now.

Tuesday, December 2, 2003 - 01:42 p.m.

My life has been so busy that I haven’t even been able to write a proper review of what has to have been the most amazing gig I have ever been to, in fact it was kinda life changing too if that doesn’t sound too naff and trite?

On the way I was tired from all the travelling I had been doing and nearly fell asleep on the tube, and I was wary that this could end up turning into self-indulgent wank, but within a few bars of the opening track everything started to click into place.

Hail to the Thief I thought was an average album, but when played live it all fits and makes sense and now when listened to at home has a whole new meaning which just brings it alive. 2+2=5 was especially amazing, We Suck Young Blood was also a standout from the album. Other amazing moments include Creep, National Anthem, Paranoid Android, and the line “They don’t speak for us” from No Surprises which must have brought the loudest cheer of the whole evening.

Every moment was touching though and I found myself close to tears on at least two occasions, especially during the reworking of Creep which just made so much sense to me at this moment in my life.

Then you had Thom, who was quieter than I expected during the evening but his voice has reached a level I never thought I would ever hear and is miles above any of his peers, and mix that with his ‘monkey on acid’ dancing, and swinging of hips like Brett Anderson and you have the perfect front man. He was also doing the Morrissey hand thing at one point. And then add Johnny Greenwood with his guitar playing and general manipulation of sounds with a variety of instruments and you have pure heaven.

It was during this whole evening that I realised that I needed to change, that I realised how much I was messing up my life and not doing the things I should be doing. I realised how I had messed up when on holiday and not really been myself, not spoken up, not just chilled out, and instead worried about what words were going to come out of my mouth. I should have just reacted to the situations that confronted me, just got on with life instead of stopping and thinking and over analysing. And for that I apologise to you.

So this is the new me, how long it will last for I don’t know but for now I am going to do the things I want to do, say the things I want to say, and be who I think I can be. And you should all do the same, get out there and make a difference, do all those things that you keep telling yourself you’re going to do but keep putting off. I know so many talented people out there who I know can achieve things, so stop making excuses and do the things you want to. So many times I have tried to work out in my head the perfect thing to say to someone to get them to create and do what I know they can do but that is futile as the only person can make that decision is themselves. And if you can't create, then destroy. Destroy all those barriers that are in your way, destroy the system, just destroy.

And so I bit the bullet and asked Jenny for a drink, ok it was in a rather basic way and via email, but from her response I think I can tell she is not interested. But you know what? I don’t feel too down about it, it’s not meant to be so lets move on and get on with life. So instead of moping about on Friday night when out for drinks I had a brilliant laugh, talking with random people about this and that and generally just being the funny/interesting person I know I can be. I didn’t even mind going to the curry house after the pub like I normally would, instead I settled back and joined in with the flowing conversation.

Saturday night then arrived and I was refused entry to the pub my mates were in which was kind of annoying, and it wasn’t due to the fact I was wearing jeans and trainers, nope. It was because I wasn’t with a partner. Basically this place was only letting in people who were loved up and already shagging, luckily Mike was with two women waiting for me so Ginger Jenny came out and got me, but jeez what a stupid rule. Me and Jenny then ended up in a wine cellar drinking red wine (that’s twice in little over a week and I don’t even like the stuff) and her telling me that she still liked me, pity this declaration was about two years too late. I still like her and enjoy her company, but after what happened last time and with me not feeling the same way anymore I told her no. Although tact could have possibly been better, instead of me saying “If you had told me that a few months ago I would probably have said yes”. I never said I was good with the ladies now did I?

Saturday then drifted into Sunday and I spent the afternoon with Jenny wandering round a lovely 1920’s exhibition before settling down for tea and coffee in the Tate Modern. We then rushed up the road for a good night of comedy at the Comedy Store with Mike and his friend, not as good as last time but still amusing in places.

And then before any rest could be had it was work followed by Evil Stu arriving to crash at ours for the evening before his big promotion interview (which hopefully he will get as he deserves it, even if he is working in PR [spitp]). So now I sit at work with a very slow system and praying for the day to end so I can go home and relax, for once I hope nothing happens in my life as I have no money, my liver is spent, and I feel twenty years older than I am. I’m also due to go out with Jenny again tomorrow night (do you think I am going out too much with someone I don’t fancy, will she be getting the wrong idea even though she knows how I feel?) to the cinema, then Xmas meal on Friday with old work mates. This weekend is greatly being looked forward to.

Monday, December 1, 2003 - 11:46 p.m.

It's xmas, so of course it is time to be full of hatred for all things religious and shiny. See here you have my personal advent calander:

Day 1

Ok, now I know there are actually some ok xmas songs like Low’s Christmas album and Xmas Steps by Mogwai, but overall they are boring, twee and fucking annoying. Please don’t tell me that you haven’t been stuck in some shop at xmas time and another irritating song has come on over the tannoy and that hasn’t led you to wanting to kill someone? Exactly, and then you have stupid relatives who seem to play them over and over again not caring that they are slowly edging other people towards suicide.

There is not one redeeming feature about xmas songs, they are either about religion, family, relationships or stupid characters that don’t exist and who needs to deal with all that?

Sunday, November 30, 2003 - 11:22 p.m.

I want to phone you, I want to hear your voice, I want to feel the way I need to feel just now.

It's kinda strange how the world goes at times, on Thursday I was on top of the world after the Radiohead show and now I am stuck and unsure of what to do. It's not that I'm down or anything, that couldn't be further from the truth, in fact I am happier now than I have been in a long time but there are decisions that have to be made and apologies that need telling.....I just wish I wasn't too scared to make them.

Why when you have given up on relationships do things come along that surprise you and amaze you, but you stop and pause 'cause you think "what if this person likes me too"? I should be flattered but I want to hold on for you instead, a few months ago even I would have said yes, even jumped at the chance but now my mind and my heart are unsure. I don't even think it would be right to tell this other person how much I like her, or that it would work at this time but I would be willing to wait. Willing to see what happens in the future.

I want to phone you and hear your voice, I want to feel that things could actually work out for once in my life. Instead I will sit here and listen to Mad World and pretend that relationships don't cause me so many problems.

Friday, November 28, 2003 - 12:13 a.m.

They played THE SONG. They actually fucking played it and tears formed in my eyes. I am still in shock and awe at what I have just experienced.

If anyone ever tells you they don't really like music then tell them to fuck off as they have no soul. There are no words, no phrases, nothing that can describe what just happened over the last couple of hours....it just was. It had to be felt, it had to be sensed, it was so much more than just listening.

And they played THAT SONG.

Wednesday, November 26, 2003 - 11:12 p.m.

I should probably be in bed as I have work to return to tomorrow, oh well.

Been trying to catch up with things online but after suddenly being confronted by 400+ messaged on C&C I may have to return tomorrow to complete diaries etc. It's funny how I've cut back on them though and read only 3 or 4 when I was away. Shows you how uninteresting people are out there I suppose, especially compared to my showbiz life :o)

Watched the Two Towers special edition this evening and it is just amazing, some of the extras are maybe not needed but others add to the experience, especially all the stuff about Borimer.

I as good as finished my xmas shopping today (apart from cards) and that took all of around 30 minutes, ha ha. Decided to only buy a select few presents and cards this year as I really can't be arsed with it all as I'll just be annoyed when others don't reply or I think about people I don't hear from for the other 364 days of the year.

Was things I wanted to write but can't remember any of them now, will write properly about my trip once I sort out the notes that are on my laptop.

Need to comment on Rolling Stones Top 500 albums, Q's top 1001 songs so someone remind me.

Will however comment now on NME and it's complete collapse as it produces it's 2003 cool list (how uncool is that anyway?). Number 1=Justin Timberlake. WHAT THE FLYING FUCK? How did I ever respect this mag, it used to be the harbringer of brilliant music and fantastic articles and now it is reduced to this? Someone shoot all the staff now and let me and Stu write the bloody thing.

At one of the parties I was at in america the top 10 albums for this year was being discussed and everyone was having difficulties thinking of more than 3 albums, looks like I'll have to riffle through my collection this weekend and see what pops up as only 4 or 5 really spring to mind and even then I'm not sure about a couple.

Tuesday, November 25, 2003 - 11:02 p.m.

Well I'm home, I survived, and I am very tired as I must have been up for about 36 hours or so now, although Mike has actually gone to bed earlier than me the lightweight.

So thrrrrrrp.

Sunday, November 23, 2003 - 02:01 p.m.

I'm still trying to work out whether mixing red wine, musicians, a recording studio and christmas songs is a good thing or not? Certainly made for an interesting party though :o)

What do you do if you have a crush (maybe more?) on someone but you know it can never happen but so wish it could that it just starts messing up your head?

Friday, November 21, 2003 - 03:18 p.m.

Well done to all those who protested yesterday, even if the police were a little heavy handed by some accounts. We needed to show all those fuckers that there was still anger with the way the West is treating the world and that was done, I just wish I had been one of them.

Well only the weekend left before I head home which sucks, been having much fun and could quite happily not return to work and instead become a bum and do nothing for the rest of my life.

The weekend holds much fun though with Arab Strap tonight, followed by Thanksgiving celebrations tomorrow, and then Molly's b'day on Sunday. Will they allow me onto the plane if I am unable to walk and talk?

Tuesday, November 18, 2003 - 01:46 p.m.

Another failure for Scotland eh, should I really be surprised? Worried about the score but I'll read the reports tomorrow and see if we were really as bad as it seems we were. Oh well, I'm Scottish so I'll keep on dreaming that we'll eventually conker the world.

I don't really have a hangover from yesterday which is good although I feel unbelievably tired, maybe getting to bed at around 3am and waking up around 9 is the reason? The day was good, just wandering about and having fun (at least I hope Molly was having fun, I know I was), then drinking beer, and vodka and coke (apparently a strange drink over here) whilst being soundly beaten at pinball (I will gain revenge). Life is good when it is simple.

Today will now be spent recovering and lounging before seeing DCFC (that's Death Cab for Cutie for the sad people with no music taste, ok sis :o) tonight, nice.

I wish though that for my b'day someone could have given me a personality and intelligence, as just now I feel sadly lacking in both. Maybe Satan will bring me some for Xmas?

Should I read anything into the fact Jenny sent me b'day wishes? Probably not but in my warped head it means she's madly in love with me, although I know she doesn't, why would she? Who would? I have too many doubts in my head just now and it is scaring me, it's reminding me of the lows of Secondary School and I don't want to have to go through that emotional ride again.....I don't think I could.

Tuesday, November 18, 2003 - 10:06 a.m.

Well it is finally my b'day and after a mild mid-life crisis yesterday I now feel much better, this was probably helped by beer, pinball and free pool.

Off to splash round some water today and drink even more beer, so thanks for all the b'day greetings and more of an update tomorrow.

Monday, November 17, 2003 - 11:10 a.m.

Here's a hug for two people that seem to need one right now, I know it's not physical but hopefully they'll know who they are and that I mean it.

Thanks for those two emails yesterday too, was good to hear from back home even if nothing exciting seems to be happening :o) Just don't tell me you're having such lovely weather next time.

I wish I wasn't so paranoid and that the words in my head would actually come out of my mouth, instead I stop and pause and it's too late. Then all there is is silence.

I wrote some of my nanowrimo story yesterday, and even though I know I'm not going to get it completed it was good to just get some words down. Alas though I am using past experiences and I just wanted to cry, I don't want to remember some of these things but they need to be purged. I wish I could tell them to someone though, just me and someone sat up all night letting secrets pass through the air as that is what you do with the one's you completely trust. But there is no someone, and just now I feel there never will be again, however much I hope and dream for you.

Sunday, November 16, 2003 - 11:29 a.m.

Just thinking it seems weird, but I am actually in America. I'm writing more detailed stuff on my laptop so I'll keep this short (I forgot Miss Molls has an ibook-with funny key layout), but I will say I am having fun (so stop being paranoid) and really looking forward to seeing BSS tonight.

Scotland actually did it, I know we still have the second leg to go but still, a victory against the Dutch is nothing to complain about. I managed to not scream out loud when checking for the scores yesterday, but I am not sure if I will be able to hold the emotions in check on Wednseday if the result is similar. Now come on Scotland, for once don't blow it.

So how come none of you guys have written to me yet then? Here I am miles away from you all and nothing, I get the feeling you guys don't really love me. At least it will save me money on postcards :o)

That really is it for now, my brain still hasn't fully kicked into US time and lack of sleep is keeping me a little brain dead.

Tuesday, November 11, 2003 - 10:46 p.m.

Remember when you were a kid and you would twist round the stalk of an apple whilst going through the alphabet and whichever letter you were on when the stalk came off was the first letter of the person who fancies you? I only wish it was true as I landed on 'J'.

Stolen from her gb I think, very good.

Someone lent me a powerdrill today, mwah ha ha. Nobody thought it would be a good idea for me to run up and down the train laughing manically with red paint all over me though. They will let me into America right?

Not much else happening really, but if anyone wants a postcard let me know as everyone seems to be asking for one.

Monday, November 10, 2003 - 08:28 p.m.

Is it bed time yet?

All I wanna know just now is why I never chose the right people to fancy, surely it can't be that difficult right? Oh well.

Everton are already 2-0 down, ho hum.

Could this piece be any more disjointed and pointless?

Why yes, I could tell you I need to go sort my washing now.

Sunday, November 9, 2003 - 11:23 p.m.

They just had an old video of Blondie singing Heart of Glass on the tv, why aren't women that sexy and sultry any more? To have been a boy growing up in the late 70's or early 80's, sigh.

Sunday, November 9, 2003 - 10:51 p.m.

Well the weekend wasn't quite as hedonistic as I was expecting it to be, with Friday night finishing before 11 and Saturday not happening at all. I did manage to have fun though so I shouldn't really complain, also meant I could spend some money on getting stuff for america and buying more CD's.

For all you Hole fans out there who are either sad that they have now finished, or who felt they betrayed their routes by going pop, you should trying getting the new The Distillers album as it is just amazing. Very Courtney with some of the vocals, and generally just rawk!

Going to see Charlton is getting better and better as they just seem to be improving with every game, I'm not entirely sure it will last but I am certainly enjoying supporting a team that is placed 4th in the Premiership. Not surprisingly it has been a long time since I've had that with United. 1997 I think was the last great season, with us finishing 3rd and that was after a horrendous start to the season, lets hope that happens this year eh?

I leave for America in five days, I ain't nervous at all, what would give you that idea?

Friday, November 7, 2003 - 04:48 p.m.

I hate to see you like this, I can't bear to see you in such pain and full of so much worry. I hope you get better soon and can start to sort through the things that are bringing you down just now. Just always remember that you have a million friends which are there for you.....please don't forget that.

Now to revert back to normal service. Thanks to you, I can never look at a pillow in the same way ever again. How am I meant to ever sleep now?

Oh, and I will ask her out tonight now as you know what needs to be done.

I am falling even further behind on my word count, I blame the naff movies on ITV and all the football they keep putting on TV. Others might state I am just wimping out already and have realised that I can't write and there is in fact little point to this. They may have a point.

I think I may have been a little harsh on The Strokes, but don't let anyone know I said that. I'm not saying that there aren't MAJOR problems with the album, but relistening to this morning I realised that I might actually be able to endure it more than I thought I would be able to. The single still SUCKS though.

Why is it that Assistant Director's always seem to contact you on Fridays just as you are getting ready to enjoy a night out? I should have known that being a Shope Steward would be the death of me, I can tell you I feel 10 years older already.

Tuesday, November 4, 2003 - 11:08 p.m.

I spend all this energy writing in here again and no-one seems to notice, I don't know. He he, maybe if I start slagging people off I'll get some sort of response? Actually come to think of it, I'll wait till after xmas before I start that :o)

Again not a lot to report, work got a little more interesting today but not a lot. I can see this being a long few weeks as I start to learn everything. Actually I shouldn't complain as I'm not having to answer the phones just now and as anyone that knows me will tell you, I hate using fucking phones. Add that to the fact that I'll have to be nice and civil whilst talking to annoying applicants, and well, lets just say I'll have a battle on my hands not to shout and swear a lot.

Still on target with my word count, even if my story does seem to be going nowhere and making little sense.

Even though United are still pish, at least Charlton are doing well. At this rate we'll be in Europe next season, come on the Addicks.

And finally, anyone that pisses of Londoners is fine with me, so can Spiderman please stay up there for another few weeks, he he. Red Ken pissed me off though by complaining about him, and there was me thinking he was actually a bit of a socialist. I don't know, some people just lose all morals when they get into power.

Monday, November 3, 2003 - 10:44 p.m.

Fuck me, that's three days in a row now I've kept up to date with nanowrimo which is simply amazing, I just need to work out how to make up for friday and saturday where I'll have hardly anytime to do stuff due to alcohol and such like.

Started the new job today and with the postal strike only just coming to an end there is a little to do so it looks like I'll be 'slowly' learning things for the next day and spending most of my time trying to work out how to kill time without the use of the internet.

So how come the Strokes album is so boring then?

Sunday, November 2, 2003 - 11:35 p.m.

Well amazingly I managed to get some words down, it is complete crap but as we know this is all about quantity so I'm trying to not let that worry me, but as I know I am going to be sat with her writing this at some point, and after reading some of his online earlier I am getting a bit of an inferiority complex about it. I'm not looking for sympathy or anything as I wouldn't believe a word any of you said since no-one here has ever really read anything that i've written so don't bother saying anything in my gb.

Let's juse say I am happy that I am on target with the word count and leave it at that. I just wish I had some sort of idea on how to tackle certain things and keep the story moving at some sort of pace.

Sunday, November 2, 2003 - 05:35 p.m.

So here i am sat on a sunday evening watching crappy The Hits on tv as I can't be bothered watching another DVD, in fact it currrently it has Anastasia on and I haven't switched it off, that's how apathetic I am just now. It has actually had some good stuff on in the last hour or so as it is Classic Hits Weekend, and you can never complain about Nirvana, REM and Alanis (just fuckin' try it bitch), but I am sure the quality will now plumit after it has sucked me in.

I haven't actually got anything to write about but thought I'd drop in anyway, saves trying to do nanowrimo and already I am finding ways to avoid writing it as I know whetever I put down will be a load of crap. Hopefully something will give me some inspiration though as I don't know if I could cope with not finishing.

Oh before I go, football sucks.

Friday, October 31, 2003 - 07:52 p.m.

In four hours I start writing nanowrimo, dear god am I nervous. I totally bottled it last year and have a feeling it could happen again this, but i need to try and achieve something as i ain't really done anything for ages and my brain is gonna rot if it doesn't kick into gear soon. I have a rough idea of what I want to write about, but after looking through their forums looking for inspiration all I got was fear after they started going on about having pages of notes and clear directions of what is going to happen. In the end I scribbled 2 A5 pages of notes on the tube on the way home this afternoon, that should be enough right?

Thursday, October 30, 2003 - 07:52 p.m.

It feels so weird writing words in here after such a long time away, it's not like things have changed in my life at all either. I still seem to be chasing the same elusive dreams and fancying all the wrong women and failing in any attempt to get them to notice me, but I've been missing this place the last couple of days so thought I would pop in. It's also an excuse to start writing in here at the same time that I start nanowrimo, so prepare yourself for double the amount of whinging and moaning.

Tuesday, October 28, 2003 - 10:43 p.m.

reminds you of an ex-lover:
"Raindrops keep falling on my head" - Manics

reminds you of an ex-friend:
Anything by Skid Row

makes you laugh:
"mmmbop" by Hanson

makes you wanna dance:
I tend to avoid dancing, but as soon as anything comes on at a nightclub you can't get me off the floor.

reminds you of the one you want:
Just now, Mogwai.

you wish you wrote:
"Everybody Hurts" - REM

you never want to hear again:
"Gay Boyfriend" by those really annoying women that need to be slapped and locked up.

sums up your teenage years:
"Archives of Pain" by Manics

you like to wake up to:
Normally whatever I'm into at the time, so just now Muse's "Absolution".

you like out of your parents record collection:
Only their Who records.

reminds you of your first crush:
I can't even remember music from that far back as it wasn't that important in my life....someone tell me of a song with Hazel in the title.

is from your favorite movie:
"Dead Souls" - NIN (The Crow)

makes you think of the night:
"Drugs don't work" - Verve

Sunday, September 28, 2003 - 10:16 p.m.

Well the protest went ok, even if I did end up carrying the Unison banner for the whole thing, but it wasn't too busy so I can't really complain. Can't believe that the papers are saying there was only 10-20,000 there. It probably wasn't as high as the 100,000 being quoted by the Stop the War coalition but the police could at least have employed someone that could count beyond their ten fingers. Good weekend for footie for once, ok United only got a draw with Killie but that are our boggie team so a point shall do for now. Also Everton racked up 4, and Charlton beat the 'Pool with a good performance even if the cheating Owen and another crap Premiership ref tried to ruin things. Shit, this is nearly upbeat what the fuck happened there?

Saturday, September 27, 2003 - 10:43 a.m.

Fuck, I think I sent an email I shouldn't have last night. There's no way of checking I suppose until I get a response, so here's a piece of advice.....don't go near a computer when you've been drinking beer. Sod it, my Radiohead ticket arrived this morning and I'm now off to protest so lets not get too worked up about this eh? We'll see if I'm still saying that in 12 hours though.

Friday, September 26, 2003 - 10:11 p.m.

I'm fed up of crying, I'm fed up of feeling like complete shit, I'm fed up of falling for the wrong people, I'm fed of up feeling like I'm gonna collapse in on myself. There's gotta be a way to end all this?

Monday, September 8, 2003 - 03:00 p.m.

I should be having so much fun just now when not at work and with family down, but instead I just want to curl up into a ball and cry. Why is no-one ever online when you need them?

Wednesday, July 23, 2003 - 02:40 p.m.

I've realised a few things in the last 24 hours:"

1. A stiff/sore wrist is not enducive to quick/correct typing.
2. Badminton hurts muscles I ain't used before.
3. I am not very good at Badminton, but shall continue playing every week anyway.
4. I have no social like but will be out drinking with friends 4 times in the next week.
5. A 20" monitor can be bought for £20, I just need to work out how it fit it into my room.
6. My hopes for Dundee United are diminishing, which is good as I think my dreams of them winning the league next year were probably a little high.
7. This diary has not had anything interesting to say in it for a long time.
8. I think it is time to stop......so goodbye, I'll still visit you all but I've realised that everyone that reads this I know anyway and email them and generally annoy them through their gb's. You can still catch me writing about books over here, politics over here, and about music/football/movies etc at my site. So I'll not be completely gone.

The only way I'll return is if something amazing happens in my life, you know like meet a nice woman or something but as I only ever fancy people who are already in relationships I don't see any of that crap ever happening. Love you all (Well some of you, and only in a friendly/family way of course).

Tuesday, July 22, 2003 - 02:16 p.m.

Is it just me or does the internet seem to be less of a happening place these days? everywhere I look nothing seems to be happening. I take it everyone interesting has buggered off on holiday and left us nerds to hold the fort? Well thanks, now what am I meant to do at work all day?

I'm meant to be playing badminton tonight, anyone know the basic rules? How many points do you play? Who serves when (is it like squash or table tennis)? This could be fun.

I went on a real retro tip this weekend, watching Heathers, Before Sunrise and Dazed and Confused. If only they may teenage movies as good as that these days eh? Would you ever get anything as dark as Heathers anymore? As for D&C it is just full of fantastic quotes:

"What are you looking at? Wipe that face off your head, bitch."
"That's what I like about these high school girls, I keep getting older, they stay the same age."
"All I'm saying is that if I ever start referring to these as the best years of my life - remind me to kill myself."

And there is another one but I can't remember what it is about now, grrr.

Have you seen the Marcury Music prize nominations, what a pile of wank. I suppose I should hope for Radiohead but only 'cause the rest would be better played in space than on this planet. Fuck me, is the British music scene really this bad just now? THE FUCKING DARKNESS, COULD THERE BE A BIGGER PILE OF SHITE JUST NOW?.....FUCKIN' KILL THE BASTARDS!!!

4/1: Coldplay 'A Rush Of Blood To The Head'/Radiohead 'Hail To The Thief'
6/1: The Darkness 'Permission To Land'/Dizzee Rascal 'Boy In Da Corner/The Thrills 'So Much For The City'
8/1: Athlete 'Vehicles & Animals'/Terri Walker 'Untitled'
10/1: Floetry 'Floetic'/Soweto Kinch 'Conversations With The Unseen'
12/1: Martina Topley-Bird 'Quixotic'/Eliza Carthy 'Angelicana'/Lemon Jelly 'Lost Horizons'

With West Wing finishing last night (Bartlett has royally screwed up now hasn't he? Just goes to prove that all American Presidents are in fact stupid. And why did Channel 4 advertise the new series on E4 with snippets of what happens in the middle of the series? Fuckin' morons. Poor CJ, she has less luck with relationships than me), Smallville last Sunday (how come black always means bad in yanky tv? Allison Mack did look well shaggable in those boots and clothes though didn't she? She is currently the best thing on TV), and 24 finishing in 2 weeks what the fuck is happening with the TV schedules? We're still a month off from the new footie season, what the hell am I meant to do with my life?

Monday, July 21, 2003 - 11:40 p.m.

Not only is the author yummy but the comics are quite funny too, just don't tell anyone I found out about it in the Metro ok?

Monday, July 21, 2003 - 11:03 p.m.

Finally finished the Dark Materials trilogy and although I enjoyed it very much by the end of the third book I was ready to throw it at someone. Don't get me wrong it was well written and full of action and stuff, but I do not need to be preached too. Still not sure about all the religious stuff yet either, and as for [SPOILER]love between two kids (aged 13 & 15?) being that big and important and saving the world....bollocks.[/SPOILER].

Sunday, July 20, 2003 - 03:55 p.m.

I just can't seem to keep my concentration long enough to read, I pick at my book with 10 pages here and there and it does not make for enjoyable reading. Maybe I shouldn't rush myself but I want to find out what happens and not have to wait until I'm in a perfect mood to sit down and take it all in as I have no idea when that will be, it's bad enough now trying to remember who everyone is and also work out whether Pullman wrote something that makes no sense or whether I am reading it wrong???

Saturday, July 19, 2003 - 07:46 p.m.

This is on your hands Tony and I fucking hope you pay for it, whether it was a suicide or "murder" that doesn't matter. You were fuckin' responsible Blair and the sooner you fall on your sword the better.

Saturday, July 19, 2003 - 07:39 p.m.

I fell into a weird state earlier, I wasn't quite asleep but when lying there on the bed I could not physically move. It was like my mind completely switched off from the rest of my body and it was only as I forced different parts of my body to move that I was able to engage the whole things again....spooky.

Friday, July 18, 2003 - 09:37 p.m.

Why's there nobody ever online when I am? I could so just talk bollocks to someone just now, oh well. Sleater Kinney have now finished so I may as well go find something interesting to do.

Friday, July 18, 2003 - 04:43 p.m.

So Super Furry Animals, Flaming Lips and Spiritualized are all coming to London eh? Do they have no regard for my bank account whatsoever? I think The Coral are about too, grrr. I am however going to see Sleater Kinney on my sisters b'day, which will probably mean I'm having more fun than her (obviously she can't have fun as I won't be there).

Can you believe that the Council is mad enough to give me a credit card on their account? Do you think I could make it to Cuba before they noticed?

Mmmmmm, I have chocolate cake. It's a lassies b'day in the office and apparently she is 21 again. This would be ok except for the fact her son is 22???

Wow, the 4-disc version of LOTR:TTT comes with a statue of golum. Fuckin' A.

They've now given me more cake and there is no way I'm gonna be able to eat it, how fat and greedy do they think I am?

I will think of something intelligent to talk about, just give us a bit of time.

I just bought Shonie a cool b'day pressie, I just hope it gets here in time.

Friday, July 18, 2003 - 11:42 a.m.

Beer might be good for blocking things out but when mixed with vodka it doesn't make work the next day much fun. It's my fault for not going to bed when I should have but instead staying up and drinking more whilst watching Y Tu Mama Tambien. Great film and my second recommendation in 12 hours.

At least now though the weekend is upon us and it doesn't matter about getting up the next day so I can sleep and drink as much as I want, yipee!

This weekend I need to sort stuff out for people and get it posted, bet that doesn't happen.

I can't believe that our little book club is doing so well, I thought that we may have about 25 members by the end of August but we actually have 49 already which is amazing. So only about 25 or so are fully active just now but hopefully when the reading starts at the beginning of August more will chip in. So if you know anyone who hasn't yet joined please bug them about it as it would be nice to have a nice round number before the voting closes on Sunday. It's currently close between 1984 and Artemis Fowl so anything could yet happen.

Thursday, July 17, 2003 - 09:57 p.m.

I may possibly be slightly drunk, but go watch this film as it is ace. I could write a million things just now that could possibly get me in trouble, but holding myself back and getting ready to collapse on my bed.

Thursday, July 17, 2003 - 01:46 p.m.

Do you wanna know something depressing? I'm 26 in five months (no not that) and if you add up all the relationships I've had in my life it means I've been single for pretty much 24 years, and remember that one of those relationships lasted a year and a half (boy did i fuck all that up) and that just goes to show what a sad and lonely old fucker I am. That is what is currently eating me up.

It is hard to go to something like a music festival and not feel a pain when you are single as there are couples snogging and shagging everywhere, and then when you're away from that most of your friends are discussing marriage and their relationships (that's not a dig by the way before you say anything evil stu), it is then that I start to feel like Bridget Jones, although much funnier and not as good looking (and fucking way better at cooking).

This of course leads me to fancying the wrong people and reading the wrong signals from people, and then my mind just collapses in a big fucking heap as I can't control it anymore. Hence me having to try and not cry when reading a book at work (she'll know which bit, she can't leave Pan can she?), the big fuckin' jessy that I am. It's becoming more like High School all over again the last few weeks with me and my supidity, argh!

Thank you by the way for making me realise what was pretty fuckin' obvious, i just needed someone to tell me what was the case as I no longer have any thoughts of my own as they are way too dangerous.

Now that's out of the way normal service shall resume later.